


Where I Stood

by thehaikubandit



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M, M/M, Songfic, missy higgins, post winter soldier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-24
Updated: 2014-04-24
Packaged: 2018-01-20 15:38:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1515836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thehaikubandit/pseuds/thehaikubandit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So the radio was on at work and I kept relating songs to the Winter Soldier. Then this happened... A songfic based on Missy Higgins "Where I Stood".</p>
            </blockquote>





	Where I Stood

**Author's Note:**

> I may end up making some minor edits to this later...

“He came for me,” Bucky thought. “He came all this way, just for me.” His next thought was to run, but his legs refused to obey the commands his brain was sending them. He staggered against Steve. Wait, that wasn’t right. Was he, taller? More? He shook himself. Hydra. Run. Out. If he focused, he could do this. He could do anything for Steve.

What was he focusing on again? Something about Hydra, and running? Maybe they wanted him to chase someone. He did that a whole lot. But he liked taking them from a distance better. It was less messy. And a whole lot faster. He got to sleep when they were dead. He liked the dreams he sometimes had. But they weren’t his.

Peggy and Steve, now that was something that happened fast. He hated her at first. Steve was his, what did she know about a skinny asthmatic from Brooklyn? She hadn’t helped him out when he was too stupid to back down from a fight, or when his whole body was racked with coughs so violent Bucky thought a lung would come out.

He’d done that to someone once. He kept breathing too fast and too loud. It was annoying. So the Winter Soldier pulled his lungs out through his chest. He kept trying to scream though the whole thing. If he did it again he would reach down the throat, through the mouth. Hard to scream then. Whenever they screamed he heard the voices from his dreams but they were sad. He knew they didn’t like screaming. It was loud and hurt his ears. Maybe it hurt their ears as well.

One night he found himself drinking with Peggy and Steve, not that Steve felt it anymore. She kept inching closer and closer to him, and Bucky got furious but he saw how Steve looked at her. It felt like he looked at Peggy the same way Bucky looked at him. And more than anything he wanted Steve to be happy. “I should go,” he told himself. “I should leave them to each other.” He needed these feelings to end.

Sometimes he wished it would all end. That they would send him against a target too strong. But he had only failed once, and what they had done to him was not something he ever wanted to repeat. And he could not throw a fight in the hope he would die because what would happen if he didn’t did not bear thinking about.

The only problem Bucky saw with what would happen if his feelings for Steve ended was who he would be. Would he be just another mindless soldier? Fighting for a non-existent gal back home? There was only ever really Steve, who on earth could he be without him? He knew this was wrong though. And Peggy loved him more. She was allowed to love him more. She was the one who deserved to stand there by Steve’s side. He should be happy for them.

When the man from the bridge sank beneath the water the Winter Soldier was glad. He did not like this feeling, that he was someone else. Because he knew he was different, he was special, he was a good weapon. But the man from the bridge had made him feel like he might have been more, might have been human. He couldn’t let him go. He knew he should let the man die, let the river take him but he dived in. How could one man define who he was? Shouldn’t he be the one to do that? He left him on the bank.

Steve wouldn’t let Bucky leave him alone. He just wouldn’t accept whatever reason he gave. “I’m busy, we have a war to fight” or “Shouldn’t you be out dancing with that new dame of yours?” or even “I’m broken, just leave me alone.” In the end he told him the truth after a long shouting match. He never expected that Steve would answer the way that he did. 

After walking through the exhibit the Winter Soldier collapsed against a wall. This was too much to take in; he didn’t know how to handle it. Were the dreams real? Were the voices real? Was anything real anymore? But he knew that he had saved a good man. And that gave him hope. The man from the bridge, the Captain, Steve made him think beyond the programming, to trust himself. He needed some space but he wouldn’t go too far. If Steve needed him, he would be there.


End file.
